Sea of Emotions

Riding the waves
The peaks and the troughs
Trying to unravel
What’s next in the plot
It keeps you guessing
Which emotion is next
Rapid cycling
Is your new best friend.

Euphoric, hyper
High as a kite
Creative, productive
Ever so light
Impulsive, reckless
No conscience in sight
Attitude, rage
Up for a fight.

Guilt, disappointment
Start to kick in
Self loathing, emptiness
Worthless within
Numbness, sadness
Desperate to cling
Anxious, paranoid
No way to win.

A constant surprise
For what’s in store
The unexpected
Knocking at your door
To sink or swim
In this sea of emotions
A balancing act
Just to keep focused.

Our Little “Secret”

Trust is an unpredictable entity. Trust can make or break the individual; shattering the soul into a thousand jagged pieces when it is violated.

Loved ones are entrusted to protect us, shield us from harm. But what happens when this unwritten promise is severed? A pattern of broken relationships, paranoia and worthlessness ensues; the inability to truly trust anyone is prevalent.

Repression is a delicate but necessary coping mechanism, often in times of trauma and distress. Recently, in my adult years, flashbacks have occurred, confusing and hurtful, but oddly familiar.

I was lost and alone in this revelation, a multitude of emotions building inside, hard to control. I felt like I could not trust myself, like I could not trust this sudden onslaught of forgotten events. My world was crashing down around me. What had I done to deserve this? Why would my friend, my family do this to me?

Fragmented memories invade my mind
Troubled, tormented and trapped inside.
Dark rooms, secrets hidden away
Each night the monster would come to play.
Our little “game”, no-one else to know
He was not my friend, but a devious foe.

How was I to know that this was not right
I did not remember till one winter’s night.
Disturbing memories, familiar somehow
Rising to the surface, but why appear now?
I was much older, an adult in fact
This discovery it broke me
I began to crack.

All alone, hurt, full of shame
I feel like I am the one to blame.
What did I do? Why me? And how?
Broken, empty, look at me now.
A shell of existence, a roll-coaster ride
Inside I feel like I have died.

The Struggle Within

The silence is deafening
Awkward and alone
Illusion of balance
Fooling everyone
Paranoia, agitation
Both are near
Anxiety crippling you
With every fear
A daily struggle to carry on
A constant mask forever worn
The battle continues
With the big Black Dog
It clutters the mind
A dark heavy fog
Numbness, nothing
All feelings gone
Can this fight Ever be won?

Emotional Storm

The water is calm, sparkling from the sun’s rays. The natural beauty of the land is vibrant, the colours vivid and bright. I sit peacefully taking this all in and reflect on how my mood is very much in tune with my surroundings.

I feel as though I can achieve anything, the world is my oyster. My creative ebb is on overdrive and no task is unachievable, as I strive forward with this newfound motivation.  Nothing is impossible.

I am euphoric in nature, a pleasant stillness flows through me.  Everything is balanced; I am one with all. Positivity consumes me, a glow reflects outward for all to see. I shine like the sun, creating warmth wherever I go.

I have come to understand this recurring pattern, and am aware that there is a change to come. Unfortunately, for me this bliss is not everlasting, this is the calm before the storm…

An unexpected shift in the weather takes its toll.  My thoughts intensify; fast paced, blurring into one until they cannot be distinguished. My body takes on a mind of its own, no longer in control.  Heart racing, chest tight, unable to take in much-needed oxygen. Panic ensues and this overwhelming anxiety crushes the soul, my stomach a sea of butterflies.

Storm clouds are brewing overhead, the darkness abundant. A chill in the air resonates to the depths of my being. The once calm, relaxed environment has turned its back on me; a master of disguise, guarding the disruption that is to proceed.

Lightening illuminates the sky like a beacon, the pent-up electric energy slicing the once pleasant skies with its destructive nature. But I am no fool. Another bolt strikes, this time making contact with the earth, like a knife to the heart. It is a shock to the system; the devil awakens inside.

A rumbling begins to build momentum, reverberating through the now dark charcoal clouds above. The vibrations can be felt through my body, simmering under my skin. I cannot sit still, my body is screaming out for a release. This agitation is an all-consuming force, an unpleasant persona emerging from deep within. My mind is set for destruction, no thought for consequences.

The dark clouds send the rain relentlessly towards the earth, towards me, just as my own mind ejects the build-up of guilt and sadness within. A sense of worthlessness takes hold of me, I am unable to escape its grasp.  Numb, desperate for a way to end this sadness.

As one cycle ends and a path of destruction is evident, the sunlight fights to break the grip of the dark clouds in its path. The clouds slowly begin to clear, the deluge of rain grinds to a halt. The warmth of the sun can be once felt again, the fresh demeanour set to return in time.

Parallel to the ever-changing conditions, the notion of four seasons in the one-day is something that I have come to understand all too well. Fluctuating from one extreme to another, an exhausting and infuriating journey is experienced by all.

This pattern to be revisited all too often, but prepared with the familiarity of my loved ones support; I will remain protected and safe by their umbrella of compassion.

Storms of Repression

The storm’s not outside
But in my mind
Truths and secrets
Hard to find
Disconnected, hurt and lost
I am paying the ultimate cost
In my heart
I must confess
The pain is not fading
It is no less
But I will keep fighting
Until the end
I know I am strong
And I can fight this
But it gets hard
To ignore the voices
Listen, process, deal and move on
In the end this battle can be won
What doesn’t kill me
Makes me stronger
I am not going to let you
Control me any longer.

Status

Further Information and Self-Help

I am happy to say that I have finalised the other pages that compile part of my personal blog. When accessing my blog, to access my other pages, click the red button with three horizontal lines at the top right of the webpage, and a drop down menu will be accessible.

The pages include information on various mental health illnesses/disorders, types of treatments available and organisations that are out there for further information and advice.

Happy reading and I look forward to any feedback. I will continue to post blogs on a regular basis, but the content of the other pages is likely to remain the same. Thank you.