Emotional Storm

The water is calm, sparkling from the sun’s rays. The natural beauty of the land is vibrant, the colours vivid and bright. I sit peacefully taking this all in and reflect on how my mood is very much in tune with my surroundings.

I feel as though I can achieve anything, the world is my oyster. My creative ebb is on overdrive and no task is unachievable, as I strive forward with this newfound motivation.  Nothing is impossible.

I am euphoric in nature, a pleasant stillness flows through me.  Everything is balanced; I am one with all. Positivity consumes me, a glow reflects outward for all to see. I shine like the sun, creating warmth wherever I go.

I have come to understand this recurring pattern, and am aware that there is a change to come. Unfortunately, for me this bliss is not everlasting, this is the calm before the storm…

An unexpected shift in the weather takes its toll.  My thoughts intensify; fast paced, blurring into one until they cannot be distinguished. My body takes on a mind of its own, no longer in control.  Heart racing, chest tight, unable to take in much-needed oxygen. Panic ensues and this overwhelming anxiety crushes the soul, my stomach a sea of butterflies.

Storm clouds are brewing overhead, the darkness abundant. A chill in the air resonates to the depths of my being. The once calm, relaxed environment has turned its back on me; a master of disguise, guarding the disruption that is to proceed.

Lightening illuminates the sky like a beacon, the pent-up electric energy slicing the once pleasant skies with its destructive nature. But I am no fool. Another bolt strikes, this time making contact with the earth, like a knife to the heart. It is a shock to the system; the devil awakens inside.

A rumbling begins to build momentum, reverberating through the now dark charcoal clouds above. The vibrations can be felt through my body, simmering under my skin. I cannot sit still, my body is screaming out for a release. This agitation is an all-consuming force, an unpleasant persona emerging from deep within. My mind is set for destruction, no thought for consequences.

The dark clouds send the rain relentlessly towards the earth, towards me, just as my own mind ejects the build-up of guilt and sadness within. A sense of worthlessness takes hold of me, I am unable to escape its grasp.  Numb, desperate for a way to end this sadness.

As one cycle ends and a path of destruction is evident, the sunlight fights to break the grip of the dark clouds in its path. The clouds slowly begin to clear, the deluge of rain grinds to a halt. The warmth of the sun can be once felt again, the fresh demeanour set to return in time.

Parallel to the ever-changing conditions, the notion of four seasons in the one-day is something that I have come to understand all too well. Fluctuating from one extreme to another, an exhausting and infuriating journey is experienced by all.

This pattern to be revisited all too often, but prepared with the familiarity of my loved ones support; I will remain protected and safe by their umbrella of compassion.

Storms of Repression

The storm’s not outside
But in my mind
Truths and secrets
Hard to find
Disconnected, hurt and lost
I am paying the ultimate cost
In my heart
I must confess
The pain is not fading
It is no less
But I will keep fighting
Until the end
I know I am strong
And I can fight this
But it gets hard
To ignore the voices
Listen, process, deal and move on
In the end this battle can be won
What doesn’t kill me
Makes me stronger
I am not going to let you
Control me any longer.

Further Information and Self-Help

I am happy to say that I have finalised the other pages that compile part of my personal blog. When accessing my blog, to access my other pages, click the red button with three horizontal lines at the top right of the webpage, and a drop down menu will be accessible.

The pages include information on various mental health illnesses/disorders, types of treatments available and organisations that are out there for further information and advice.

Happy reading and I look forward to any feedback. I will continue to post blogs on a regular basis, but the content of the other pages is likely to remain the same. Thank you.

Emptiness

Smothering you like a blanket
Unable to control its movements
It creeps upon you like a disease.

The pain continually grows
As you yearn for the unreachable
Miles away happiness stands.

What became of the days
When things were normal
Now there is a growing void
Emptiness consumes you
Until there is nothing left.

Demons In My Mind

A short story detailing the deepest, darkest emotions of one suffering from mental illness in adolescence. Highlighting that you are not alone.

This was written when I was 17 and edited and posted at the age of 26. I am a 26 year old female recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I do still suffer from time to time with these same thoughts and feelings, but I can say that it does get better. 

It may take time and a lot of patience, but with the right support network and help, things can and do improve. It has taken courage and determination. Do not be afraid to speak up. If you cannot verbalise, write it down. But do not internalise the “demons”, let them out…

Smothering me like a blanket, unable to control its movements it creeps upon me like a disease. The pain continually grows, as I yearn for the unreachable. It is all around me, like a blanket. Suffocating me, unable to give me the comfort of one last breath. Black thorns claw at my heart ripping it to shreds, draining it until there is nothing left. Emptiness consumes me, will this pain ever end?

I feel like I am going crazy, a little insane. Thoughts creep into mind that shouldn’t and it scares me. I have stages where I frighten myself. I hear voices telling me things and I believe what they are saying is true. It hurts to feel this pain and not to have the privilege or courage to tell anyone, for who could understand the immature nightmares that plague my adolescent mind. My pain is a personal war that I fight alone, one that cannot be won by the foolish help of others who couldn’t begin to understand my damaged thoughts; a network of spider-webs, each one more confusing than the last.

I feel like I am lost, like I do not belong. I believe I always have. Deep down something does not feel right, though to others all appears “normal” on the surface.  People might ask why do you not speak up, let others know the unbearable pain you are feeling? My answer to that; the stigma, the judgement, the humiliation, the lack of understanding. I feel as though it is a flaw in my personality at times; like a thorn on a rose, stopping its beauty from being complete. I do not want to disappoint anyone or ruin the ideals of “normality”, so I keep my pain locked away in my bruised and bleeding heart.

The pain intensifies with each new day, it builds and hits me with such unbearable force that I can no longer fight it. I slowly begin to crack, break down, piece by piece, leaving nothing but an incomplete shell of my existence behind. This is a battle that cannot be won. With each new day that presents itself, I awaken with a nervous feeling within me scared of what the day will bring. Butterflies fill the inside of my stomach, the flapping of their wings cutting away at my insides like a knife with each blow.

When the darkness sets in, the situation reaches a climax. I lay alone in my bed where my fears can eat away at my unprotected thoughts. I lie there unable to protect myself, the pain enters so easily and all I can do is let it happen; I appear paralysed by my deepest and darkest fears. My pain is a disease spreading like a deadly virus, its path of destruction unstoppable.

Things may not improve for a while and in my mind I doubt that I will ever be able to rid myself of these demons.

Nine years have passed and I find myself a much stronger individual, at the cusp of finally moving forward and gaining some control in my life. It has not been an easy journey, and I still struggle from time to time. 

Looking back I have realised that I share some blame for the delay in seeking treatment. I did not want to admit that I had a problem. This is the first and most important step for anyone who suffers from a mental illness, but it is also the hardest and most confronting process to commence. I thought that I was alone in my struggles, but looking back I never was. I had a support network of friends, family and loved ones. And although there will be a lot of you out there that think you are alone, you never truly are.

To cope with my symptoms I have different strategies and tools in place. I combine various forms of therapy with medication that has been approved by a general practitioner and a registered psychiatrist. I make sure to attend appointments regularly and stay true to taking my medication at the same time daily. And the number one factor that I ensure to continue is open and continuous COMMUNICATION. Communication is paramount to moving forward. There are people out there that will listen to you, you are never alone.

I keep aiming to move forward and remain positive, as hard as it seems, and I try to live by a philosophy that I recently came across. It’s written on a piece of paper in my wallet and I glance at it when I need to be reminded:

“If you do not like something, change it. If you cannot change it, change the way you think about it. For every positive thought and change you make in your life, something else also changes for the better – it creates a chain reaction”.

Good luck, take care and remember you are not alone. Speak up, speak out, be courageous and take the first important step to creating a brighter, happier future for yourself.