A short story detailing the deepest, darkest emotions of one suffering from mental illness in adolescence. Highlighting that you are not alone.
This was written when I was 17 and edited and posted at the age of 26. I am a 26 year old female recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I do still suffer from time to time with these same thoughts and feelings, but I can say that it does get better.
It may take time and a lot of patience, but with the right support network and help, things can and do improve. It has taken courage and determination. Do not be afraid to speak up. If you cannot verbalise, write it down. But do not internalise the “demons”, let them out…
Smothering me like a blanket, unable to control its movements it creeps upon me like a disease. The pain continually grows, as I yearn for the unreachable. It is all around me, like a blanket. Suffocating me, unable to give me the comfort of one last breath. Black thorns claw at my heart ripping it to shreds, draining it until there is nothing left. Emptiness consumes me, will this pain ever end?
I feel like I am going crazy, a little insane. Thoughts creep into mind that shouldn’t and it scares me. I have stages where I frighten myself. I hear voices telling me things and I believe what they are saying is true. It hurts to feel this pain and not to have the privilege or courage to tell anyone, for who could understand the immature nightmares that plague my adolescent mind. My pain is a personal war that I fight alone, one that cannot be won by the foolish help of others who couldn’t begin to understand my damaged thoughts; a network of spider-webs, each one more confusing than the last.
I feel like I am lost, like I do not belong. I believe I always have. Deep down something does not feel right, though to others all appears “normal” on the surface. People might ask why do you not speak up, let others know the unbearable pain you are feeling? My answer to that; the stigma, the judgement, the humiliation, the lack of understanding. I feel as though it is a flaw in my personality at times; like a thorn on a rose, stopping its beauty from being complete. I do not want to disappoint anyone or ruin the ideals of “normality”, so I keep my pain locked away in my bruised and bleeding heart.
The pain intensifies with each new day, it builds and hits me with such unbearable force that I can no longer fight it. I slowly begin to crack, break down, piece by piece, leaving nothing but an incomplete shell of my existence behind. This is a battle that cannot be won. With each new day that presents itself, I awaken with a nervous feeling within me scared of what the day will bring. Butterflies fill the inside of my stomach, the flapping of their wings cutting away at my insides like a knife with each blow.
When the darkness sets in, the situation reaches a climax. I lay alone in my bed where my fears can eat away at my unprotected thoughts. I lie there unable to protect myself, the pain enters so easily and all I can do is let it happen; I appear paralysed by my deepest and darkest fears. My pain is a disease spreading like a deadly virus, its path of destruction unstoppable.
Things may not improve for a while and in my mind I doubt that I will ever be able to rid myself of these demons.
Nine years have passed and I find myself a much stronger individual, at the cusp of finally moving forward and gaining some control in my life. It has not been an easy journey, and I still struggle from time to time.
Looking back I have realised that I share some blame for the delay in seeking treatment. I did not want to admit that I had a problem. This is the first and most important step for anyone who suffers from a mental illness, but it is also the hardest and most confronting process to commence. I thought that I was alone in my struggles, but looking back I never was. I had a support network of friends, family and loved ones. And although there will be a lot of you out there that think you are alone, you never truly are.
To cope with my symptoms I have different strategies and tools in place. I combine various forms of therapy with medication that has been approved by a general practitioner and a registered psychiatrist. I make sure to attend appointments regularly and stay true to taking my medication at the same time daily. And the number one factor that I ensure to continue is open and continuous COMMUNICATION. Communication is paramount to moving forward. There are people out there that will listen to you, you are never alone.
I keep aiming to move forward and remain positive, as hard as it seems, and I try to live by a philosophy that I recently came across. It’s written on a piece of paper in my wallet and I glance at it when I need to be reminded:
“If you do not like something, change it. If you cannot change it, change the way you think about it. For every positive thought and change you make in your life, something else also changes for the better – it creates a chain reaction”.
Good luck, take care and remember you are not alone. Speak up, speak out, be courageous and take the first important step to creating a brighter, happier future for yourself.
thoughts.within.lolly 